Yesterday, I was talking with my sister, and at one point in the conversation I laughingly said something like, "I used to try very hard to be male, and I never really got it right, and now everyone's going to think that I'm trying to be female and not really getting that right either." She quickly pointed out to me that there really isn't any right, that there's only Kristina, and that I'm being the best Kristina I can be.

I'm not trying to "be female", really. I'll never menstruate, never bear my own children, probably never lactate, et cetera. I can live with that fact. I'm trying to be myself, Kristina Davis. I'm not trying to be female or be male or anything like that. I want to be physically female because that's how I see myself, but this isn't about becoming a rank-and-file member of the "other sex". It's about being happy with who I am, making the outside fit the inside as closely as possible.

I've been reading Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw", and I'd have to recommend it to anyone going through this. A lot of what she says are things I'd told myself or told others when I was helping them, but it's good to hear others say it and see your advice coming from others. I hope others who read it get as much out of it as I have.

Another interesting point came up in our conversation, one that Bornstein addresses a bit in her book. I was talking with someone online that never met me before, never knew "LoveBear" and only knew me as female, and I caught myself not talking about my past because I didn't want to "reveal my secret." It was an interesting sensation, really.

I said in the introduction to my pages that I'm not going to pretend that I'm not who I am, either in making up a past to fit my present or in denying my future for the sake of my past. As I see it, the burden of acceptance for who I am is not on me. I like who I am and who I'm becoming. If someone else doesn't, that's not my problem.

Even still, sometimes I choke in the moment. I know that will relax with time.

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I had my first laser hair removal treatment today, on my face. I wasn't really prepared for the expense, but it's worth it if it means that I don't have to shave. I know I'll need at least one more full treatment and then one or maybe two spot-treatments to get stragglers, so I'm looking at a lot of money just for my face, not to mention everything else that I plan to have done, but it will be spread out over several years, and so it's not that much per time.

My therapist suggested electro, but honestly, the idea of sticking that many needles in my face, over such a long period of time, scares me rather badly. I don't need the skin irritation, I don't want to risk the scarring, and I generally would rather walk away from a session feeling like I have a patch of sunburn than a bunch of pinpricks. It's a lot of little zaps that sting more than anything, kind of like having a hot rubber band smacked against your skin. It doesn't even hurt at all now, and it's only two hours after the last zap.

Actually, what bothers me more right now than any of the money I spent today is the response I'm going to get in about two hours. Last week, I told everyone in my gaming group that I'm transsexual and that I'd like to start showing up to the games as female. This week, I've got two days' growth on my face that, because of the laser treatment, I can't shave until Monday morning. If I don't dress, I feel like I'll get people asking me why I made such a fuss last time. If I dress, I'll get flak for the beard. If I explain that I had laser treatment and can't shave today...

... I'll have to deal with people telling me their concerns again. I played that game last week. I don't feel like doing it again. If I don't go, though, they'll just call and then it'll be the same as if I'd
gone.

That's what bothers me most, right now. I want the support of my friends, and I don't feel like they all support me in this. I accept that some are having trouble with it, but that shouldn't mean that they oppose me at every turn. I shouldn't feel like I have to avoid them, but if they're going to keep being negative about it, or what I perceive as negative, then I'm going to stop talking with them about it. If I can't do that without cutting them off completely, I will.

I don't want it to come to that. I hope it doesn't have to. They mean too much to me to lose now.

Sunday was much better. I called my sister and told her everything that had happened, and she listened and told me I did the right thing, which I didn't need to hear but enjoyed anyway. I'm worried about her, a lot, but until she graduates in three months I can't do anything for her. I'm going to see her in June, and I'm so excited about that I could pop! Jason and I had to do laundry, and at first I got up and dressed in my new blouse and my old ankle-length skirt, the most casual femme outfit I have, and then Jason came in and asked me why I'd dressed up to do laundry. I laughed, but he had a point, and I needed to wash the blouse anyway. I changed into some drabs and we took care of business, but the whole time I felt a bit off. I didn't want to have changed, but so far everything I own that's obviously feminine is "nice," the sort of thing that you just wouldn't wear to a laundromat unless it was Turtle Creek.

When we got home, the first thing I did was change back into what I'd worn that morning. Afterwards, I made arrangements with my parents to drop by their apartment on the way to a movie so that I could pick up some paperwork that I had left there by mistake. After I got off the phone, it occured to me that I was planning on showing my parents Kristina for the first time, without warning. I decided to take that chance, and we went.  They didn't say a word. Well, not exactly. My mother wanted to know where I got my purse and how much it cost me, and she laughed when I told her what a deal I'd gotten on it. Then she wanted to know what size skirt I wore and she got flustered when I said I'm a 16 because apparently I'm now smaller in the waist than she is. My father just looked at me when Jason and I got ready to leave, and he said, "You've got a hard row to hoe in front of you, but we're here." My parents are incredible people, and I wish I'd been wise enough when I was younger to know that.

The movie itself was fun. Jason was a bit on edge as we got in line, walking past a group of teens who were muttering but not loudly enough for us to hear what. He really is a sweetheart, but he's learning right alongside me not to be afraid of everyone else just because I'm out being myself. One rather creative individual did shout something like, "What the fuck?", but we ignored it and went about our business. We were going to see the Tigger Movie because I've been a Pooh fan for years, but we changed our mind and ended up at The Whole Nine Yards, which turned out to be well worth it. I thought the movie was hilariously surreal, but maybe it's just that I was enjoying being out as who I want to be so much that everything else became fun in comparison.

The work week is a chore. I've now been in my cube for eleven weeks, doing nothing. I've got a charge number, but nothing to charge to it. The Monday after is always something of a letdown: I'm back to pretending I'm still the same-ol'-same-ol'. I need to make an appointment some time soon with Human Resources to talk with them about their policies regarding transition in the workplace; it'll make a lot of difference between whether or not I stay for the long haul or look for another job despite the problems. I'd rather go through this in a place I know will accept what I'm doing. Somehow I don't think this is it.

I have my first electrolysis appointment this Saturday. Actually, it's a consultation to determine if laser hair removal will work for me. It's more expensive, but much less painful and much faster, so I'm willing to bear the cost if it will give me the results I want. I know my therapist advised electrolysis, but I know I'm allergic to lidocaine which means most local anaesthetics are out, and that needle hurts quite a bit. We'll see how the appointment goes. I'm really looking forward to this. It's my first "real" step. Everything through to now has been talk and image. This is an actual permanent change. I can feel it coming together.