I absolutely hate how easily stressed I get. Worse, I hate what my getting stressed does to those around me, especially my mate.

Earlier today I met with the head contractor on the extended assignment to get our house back in working order, and I found out that replacing the coal furnace and the heating system to the house is going to cost me five-thousand dollars out of pocket, or out of other repairs to the house that will still need to be done at some point. I can do things like not repaint any of the rooms that need it and that will save me some cash, and I can maybe ask Kelly if she can handle putting down fresh carpet and that will take care of another good chunk, but at the end of the day I'm still going to be out a good chunk of change.

This is a problem for two reasons.

The first and most obvious is that I can't really afford it. My credit cards are riding close to tapped, and this is going to push them to their limits, if not over them. Getting the house in the first place was a major setback to our financial situation, with the understanding that as soon as we moved into it, the house would start paying for itself in the money we were saving in the long run, but we haven't even yet gotten the chance to live in the place.

The second and less obvious and far more devastating is totally unrelated to the house. Jessie went out with some of our friends to the mall today to buy clothes, and when she got home with everyone else I was in an absolutely horrid mood that had nothing to do with her. So, instead of being able to say "Hey, great, glad to hear you had a good time" and be generally enthusiastic and positive, I was angry-mopey and short-tempered, and she
didn't deserve that. 

I keep saying that when we get into the house, things will get better. I truly believe that. We have at least one person committed to moving in with us and taking over the attic, and someone else that's expressed interest in
laying claim to the third bedroom, so once both of them arrive, we'll be cutting our mortgage bill to nearly nothing, meaning we'll be able to start actively and violently paying off these bills. I'll also feel a lot more confident about going to the bank for a debt-consolidation loan, which will help cut the interest rates on the debt and give me a better means to pay off what we owe. I have a plan for getting out of this massive hole.

I just have to get into the house, first.

I hate how uptight I get and how stressed I become over things like this. Now, admittedly, having one's house ruined from water damage is pretty stressful, especially considering it's my first house and I haven't even gotten to live there yet. That said, though, I can do nothing about the speed or the cost of repairs, only my own expectations and desires, and so getting upset about what has to happen is pointless. I know that intellectually, but it doesn't help much when I'm trying to deal with bad news.

The one thing I will say in my favor is that at least I get over problems quickly enough. I got really angsty and bitter at Jessie when she got home, and for an hour after that, but after a chuckle or two I do feel better, and I don't think there's any real risk of me slipping back into my earlier funk. Having recovered, I usually stay better.

As before when my hormones were out of whack, though, I've been crashing a lot lately. I really do feel like I'm in over my head right now. Getting into the house will help a lot of that, but that's proving to be a bigger challenge than just buying the place and moving into it. I'm still not earning what I think I'm worth, Jessie's not earning any formal income at all, and we're currently paying the bills on two living spaces at once. These have all added to the rising debt, not as quickly as saving for the house did, but fast enough to be a continuing problem.

I hate feeling like I'm in over my head, but until we're in the house and the finances settle down, I just have to live with it. Easier said than done.