Well, another bout of "so much in so little time" has gone on, or so it feels. Really, not that much has happened, but it feels like a lot.
First, today marks the one-month anniversary of the diary, so I suppose I should congratulate myself. Normally I would've burned out on this sort of thing by now, so the fact that I'm still interested in posting them feels like a triumph worth nothing.
Now for the important part. I went through a lot over this, but I think I've finally resolved everything and I can talk about it with a clear head. Reeny isn't moving down. Monday, her mother came home early, found her packing her things to move out and, to make a long story short, her parents panicked and said that they'd pay for her college and get totally off her back about her life and her future if she would stay at home until she left for school.
When I found out, I was crushed at first. I mean, this is the sort of thing we'd been talking about doing for six years, and we were so close and then it got taken away from us. I know she was upset, and I was upset, but I didn't identify why I was so upset until last night, and I was kind of a bitch about the whole thing.
I've never had many friends, and the ones I do have, the real ones, are the sorts of people around whom I feel I could totally be myself without fear of rejection. In almost all of my casual friendships, I hit some point at which I feel like either I have to lie about myself or be honest and risk losing a friend. I have a select group of friends, of whom Lurene is one, with whom I don't feel that. I call them my second family.
When I was with my previous boyfriend, the first time he came up to Austin to visit, he stayed a month and then left. When he got on the plane to go home, I stood in the airport terminal for half an hour and sobbed, watching until I couldn't make out the lights of the airplane against the clouds. Last night, I had another crying jag thinking about leaving Boston on Sunday, and I realized it was the same feeling.
When I learned that Lurene wasn't moving down here, it felt like I had had one of my second family taken away from me, even though intellectually I know that isn't true. The internet is a poor substitute for in-person contact, but often that's all we get. When the chance came to physically be with someone about whom I cared so much, I became ecstatic. When it went from "moving down" to "visiting," not only did I have the depression of not having her around, but I also felt the pain of being around her for a short time and then trying to go back to interaction at a distance, just like when Rod would leave.
I woke up this morning, after having realized this last night, and I felt sane and stable for the first time since getting the bad news. I had tried to be nice and say I supported her, but the whole time I felt betrayed, though i didn't know by whom or for what. I think I frustrated Lurene's boyfriend to tears at a few points with my stubborn refusal to get over it, but that's pretty normal for me. Once I know why I'm upset, I stop being upset, but until I understand it it sits there and feeds itself, an emotional dynamo.
I can honestly say now I'm just looking forward to the trip. I won't say I won't cry when I leave, but I can say with a clear conscience that I'm happy for her, that I hope her parents really do understand like they sound, and that if anything happens the offer I made before is always open. I hope she doesn't need it, but it's there if she does.