I had a long talk with Efrain last night. Things have been stressed lately, with SGS being on the blink and three of my friends potentially out of work in the near future. It by itself isn't making things problematic; I make enough to cover the three of us in the short-term, though I don't like being the only person employed in the family. Neither do Efrain and Jessie. What it does is contribute enough to the cat's stress levels that little things that would ordinally mean nothing or totally get overlooked become more an an issue than they need to be.
We spent several hours talking yesterday evening, and the details of the conversation aren't realy important, but the gist of it is, I think, quite meaningful. Anger doesn't produce. Hatred doesn't fix anything. Being upset at people and harboring grudges don't solve problems; they only contribute to them.
I've been carrying a few grudges for quite a while now. I'm not proud of them, but at the time I lashed out against people who were once my friends, I thought it was the only way I could get through to them that I thought they were doing the wrong things. It didn't stop them. They had either already stopped on their own, or they weren't going to stop just because I tried to withhold my emotions. I didn't do any good to either of us, to any of us.
Joanne, I'm sorry. I know that saying it doesn't make up for what I did, but I hope that, in saying this here, publicly, as I did before, I can start to undo some of the damage I caused. You didn't deserve what I said, and I've taken down the previous entry and made right what didn't need to be changed.
I can't solve your problems. I'm not here as a crutch or even really a guide. I don't have any wisdom to teach. Anything I could say, you'll either learn on your own or you wouldn't understand anyway. I don't think anyone ever really learns from the mistakes of others. We only repeat them in new and exotic ways. I can't stop you from doing what you think is best, but I want you to know that I believe in you, that I support you in what you're doing
and that I still care about you, even if we may not make the same choices.
I don't want carbon copies of myself echoing everything I do and turning my life into a Socratic dialogue. The ability to disagree with each other without rejecting each other should be a source of strength, not a sore spot. You must live your own life; no-one else can do it for you. When you chose a course of action I thought foolish, I blew up at you and tried through emotional blackmail to take away from you the one thing I should've recognized and respected as sacred: your right to make your own decisions.
I hope you'll forgive me.