I found out this morning that one of the members of my therapy group died some time in the previous week. That's all that anyone knows so far. I had an email from my therapist in my inbox when I checked it this morning.
Right now, I'm in a very odd mood as a result. I feel as if I should be more upset than I am, and that in and of itself is bothersome. I considered her a friend, and yet we weren't really that close and had little in common. We
knew each other through therapy, and not really beyond it. I enjoyed the time I spent with her outside of therapy, but it honestly wasn't much, and it wasn't over a long period of time.
I'm upset that it happened. Don't get me wrong in this. I wish desparately that she weren't dead. However, she is, and I can't change that fact. I can, at most, wonder what happened and if there were anything I could have done
differently. Nothing I say will alter the irrevocable fact of her death.
What bothers me now, honestly, is the idea that I will be considered heartless or cold by those others in the therapy group because I am not distraught by her passing. I spent quite a bit of time this morning talking with Jess about it, actually. I got told that I've got no reason to worry and that the fact that I'm concerned about it shows that I'm not as callous as I fear I may seem, but it's still a bit distressing. My current therapy group was to end this net week, and I wanted it to end on a positive note, but I fear that any chance of that is gone.
I hate it when events are genuinely beyond my control.
I still have no news about New York. The human resources director of that office said that she'd pass my information to the manager who expressed interest in my résumé today, but so far I've heard nothing. I hope I hear something tomorrow. I'm feeling antsy.
I spent the weekend down in Austin visiting friends of mine and Jess's there. Having lived in the city, going back always makes me a bit nostalgic, and right now with the intent to move but the lack of concrete plans to do so, I always feel a bit like it might be the last chance I get to be there. I hate feeling like I have to move, but everyone with whom I've spoken admits that until and unless the Supreme Court reverses the Littleton case's current decision, there's no reason for them to try to talk me out of moving.
I remember being in a long-distance relationship at one point, and putting off everything in my life because of the idea that "someday" I'd be moving and that there was no point to doing things, because I'd just have to do them all again when I went overseas, and so I never did them. In the end, I lost six years to procrastination.
I don't consider what I did at the time a mistake, and yet I can't help but wonder if I'm doing the same thing, pinning hopes on "someday." I certainly haven't let it stop me from doing things. I'm going up to bring Randy down to Texas in three weeks. Jess is still looking for jobs in the area. I'm still going to work every day. I just hope I don't have to wait too long before I can start making concrete plans.
I really hate it when events are beyond my control, and not being able to plan for my own future makes me feel like that's how things are.