Yesterday, I was talking with my sister, and at one point in the conversation I laughingly said something like, "I used to try very hard to be male, and I never really got it right, and now everyone's going to think that I'm trying to be female and not really getting that right either." She quickly pointed out to me that there really isn't any right, that there's only Kristina, and that I'm being the best Kristina I can be.
I'm not trying to "be female", really. I'll never menstruate, never bear my own children, probably never lactate, et cetera. I can live with that fact. I'm trying to be myself, Kristina Davis. I'm not trying to be female or be male or anything like that. I want to be physically female because that's how I see myself, but this isn't about becoming a rank-and-file member of the "other sex". It's about being happy with who I am, making the outside fit the inside as closely as possible.
I've been reading Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw", and I'd have to recommend it to anyone going through this. A lot of what she says are things I'd told myself or told others when I was helping them, but it's good to hear others say it and see your advice coming from others. I hope others who read it get as much out of it as I have.
Another interesting point came up in our conversation, one that Bornstein addresses a bit in her book. I was talking with someone online that never met me before, never knew "LoveBear" and only knew me as female, and I caught myself not talking about my past because I didn't want to "reveal my secret." It was an interesting sensation, really.
I said in the introduction to my pages that I'm not going to pretend that I'm not who I am, either in making up a past to fit my present or in denying my future for the sake of my past. As I see it, the burden of acceptance for who I am is not on me. I like who I am and who I'm becoming. If someone else doesn't, that's not my problem.
Even still, sometimes I choke in the moment. I know that will relax with time.
I had my first laser hair removal treatment today, on my face. I wasn't really prepared for the expense, but it's worth it if it means that I don't have to shave. I know I'll need at least one more full treatment and then one or maybe two spot-treatments to get stragglers, so I'm looking at a lot of money just for my face, not to mention everything else that I plan to have done, but it will be spread out over several years, and so it's not that much per time.
My therapist suggested electro, but honestly, the idea of sticking that many needles in my face, over such a long period of time, scares me rather badly. I don't need the skin irritation, I don't want to risk the scarring, and I generally would rather walk away from a session feeling like I have a patch of sunburn than a bunch of pinpricks. It's a lot of little zaps that sting more than anything, kind of like having a hot rubber band smacked against your skin. It doesn't even hurt at all now, and it's only two hours after the last zap.
Actually, what bothers me more right now than any of the money I spent today is the response I'm going to get in about two hours. Last week, I told everyone in my gaming group that I'm transsexual and that I'd like to start showing up to the games as female. This week, I've got two days' growth on my face that, because of the laser treatment, I can't shave until Monday morning. If I don't dress, I feel like I'll get people asking me why I made such a fuss last time. If I dress, I'll get flak for the beard. If I explain that I had laser treatment and can't shave today...
... I'll have to deal with people telling me their concerns again. I played that game last week. I don't feel like doing it again. If I don't go, though, they'll just call and then it'll be the same as if I'd
That's what bothers me most, right now. I want the support of my friends, and I don't feel like they all support me in this. I accept that some are having trouble with it, but that shouldn't mean that they oppose me at every turn. I shouldn't feel like I have to avoid them, but if they're going to keep being negative about it, or what I perceive as negative, then I'm going to stop talking with them about it. If I can't do that without cutting them off completely, I will.
I don't want it to come to that. I hope it doesn't have to. They mean too much to me to lose now.