I've apparently overcome the sleeping pill I took last night, and the pain medication doesn't seem to be doing its full potency job this morning. Then again, I should get another around of medication to take after breakfast
that includes pain meds, which should help.

My groin, already still somewhat sore from the first two surgeries, hurts the worst. My side is a hot ache, but not so intolerable. However, the cumulative effects, along with my sore rump from being bedridden and the chill in the air have all fused into one grand hurt that refuses to go away regardless of what pills arrive to make the pain more manageable.

I'm also concerned about the amount of pain medication I'm taking. I don't want to become reliant on the stuff to get through the day, but at the same time I have trouble focusing well if I don't take it because everything simply hurts too much. I'd go back to sleep as it is, but, of course, my back hurts on top of everything else and there's just no finding a comfortable spot in this bed.

It really is the home stretch now, assuming everything goes according to plan, but it's hard to see it that way sometimes. This is, at least in memory, the worst—and the most different places at once—that I've hurt since
getting into the hospital, and so it's difficult for me to say now that from here it all gets easier, since it's really only gotten more painful the longer I've stayed. However, there shouldn't be any more surgeries, they do keep me
doped up when I request it, and I've got someone here to help me make sure I don't request it too often.

Pain aside, my biggest issue is the whole bedridden thing. I've done this before while being here, and it's just not easy for my head to accomodate. Despite my fantasies and my desires, the reality of being medically incapable
of taking care of myself is painful to accept, and it's frustrating in the extreme. I had to awaken Jessie to ask zim to get me something out of the refrigerator with which I could take some medication; I couldn't go get it myself. I'm under strict orders not to get out of bed for three days, not even to use the bathroom.

Jessie assures me that zie understands and doesn't mind helping me, but that doesn't make it any easier, even though I believe zim. The block is in my own mind, and I have to learn to overcome it. I just hope that I'm not in bed long enough for me to have to learn to overcome too much of it. I really could not face another round of this, not for a long time.

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